The stuff with the Ex and my parents has knocked me for more of a loop than I want to admit.
Why should I be upset or surprised? Aren’t they all acting exactly like they have all along? Am I surprised that the Ex continues to act as if it is my job to give him what he wants, and is trying to control me into doing so? No, I’m not. But I am upset–deeply so–that all my efforts to try to erect some boundaries are ignored and trampled. I’m upset that I have to try to force my daughter’s father to put her interests first. I’m upset that this whole thing has now become so unpredictable, and PP is indeed commuting 70km each way to school on Fridays. I’m afraid that if it does go to court that I will lose some of my very limited and precious PP-weekend time. I’m afraid that I will be painted as in the wrong; that, despite everything, I may be overlooking something I should have done, some way I should have acted, and it will be all my fault. My mother thinks she was a great parent. How much am I overlooking?
I’m afraid that this will drag out and cost a lot of money, and there’s nothing I can do about that because I have to advocate for PP’s best interests and apparently this now means involving lawyers.
There was another letter last week, this time from PP’s teacher; the Ex wrote her and asked that she communicate directly with him. I don’t know what he is aiming for or planning, but something is coming. I don’t trust him a bit. And it’s so absurd. I packaged up all of PP’s kindergarten stuff in June and sent it to him for review and he kept all of it; how much more open sharing and communication can I do? I am afraid that he is trying to paint me as a non-communicative and non-cooperative parent.
I wasn’t doing well after figuring out that my mother dumped me a month or so ago, but I was coming out of it and then this whole thing dropped, and since then I just have not been able to kick-start myself. I am keeping up with my obligations but new projects, long-term side projects, all that, have pretty well fallen off. Not a big deal, maybe; not depression, I know; but I am sad and afraid. What is he planning? What am I fighting here? How many times am I going to have to deal with this over the next thirteen years?
And what if for that whole time I am dealing with this by myself?
Because this is where the parent thing fits in: I can’t count on them. I am half-afraid that, given the choice, they would pay his legal bills and leave me to struggle by myself. I can’t help but wonder how that would look in a court, if my parents take my ex-husband’s side in any dispute. I’m afraid to bring it up with them; I have no desire to hear what they would have to say. In the meantime I can’t talk to them about anything; not that it matters since I haven’t heard from either of them since before this happened. I feel so abandoned. It should not surprise me.
You may or may not be happy to know that the therapist has joined the chorus of voices saying that keeping that relationship alive for PP’s sake is probably asking more of myself than is right, or fair. But I think if that is something I am going to do then I need to talk to them first. I can’t be like my mother and just disappear.
But I don’t want to. Whatever it is they have to say I don’t want to hear it. I want to go through the rest of my life without ever going through whatever is coming in the next few months. I am dreading this. Yet I find this is another one of those situations where there is no going out the back door until you’ve gone in through the front door. Somehow or other, I am going to have to find a way to bring this up. To say, I can’t have a relationship with you while you have a relationship with my ex, not while he is doing this to me.
I don’t want to do this, but I think I’ve reached the point where not doing this is worse.
Sending hugs and supportive thoughts.
And a suggestion. Have an hour-long consult with your attorney about all this. Get some concrete information about what you can expect.
XOXOX
I’m meeting the lawyer tomorrow afternoon for round 2. Hopefully she’ll have some idea of what’s going on and what’s likely, but every time I’ve spoken to her so far about what the Ex is doing, she’s been as confused and mystified as I’ve been.
ditto Liz’ comment. :X
What Liz and LJ said.
Do what you need to do for you in order to be the best parent possible for PP. It’s an impossible situation, but you will handle it (somehow) and come through the other side.
Thinking of you.
It’s frustrating, because as much as you *know* you are a good parent and you *know* you are making an effort to support PP’s relationship with her father, there’s this big wild card of “What will the judge think?” so you are forced to play to this unknown audience who has a lot of power.
I wish you a reasonable, rational judge, and a supportive lawyer.
If there’s anything you need, I’m here.
Thank you, Sil. 🙂
(((((((Maeve))))))))
Honey, I wish I could wave a magic wand that would make it all clear. I *know* how distressing the uncertainty can be, and how frustrating the pain of all this is as well – if it’s just you, you can muddle through it, but it’s so much more, and you’ve got to do it right for PP’s sake. But the thing is….you *are* doing it right.
You are a very talented writer…and part of writing is observing, processing, synthesizing and presenting information. Because you have these skills in SPADES, you have done so much work to overcome what is a pretty shitty hand dealt to you by your parents. You overcame the expectations and respected yourself AND your beautiful daughter to leave a situation that would not end well. That takes guts, power and strength, which I might add that you also have in spades.
It’s hard to anticipate what may or may not happen, so I hope all goes well with the lawyer today. You’ve got plenty of people on your side, though. Just because you can’t count on the parents doesn’t mean you are alone. We are all here for you. I am here for you.
(((((((((((((Maeve)))))))))))))))
Wishing you much strength, but only to supplement the awesomeness that is already in you.
Thanks, R. I really needed to hear that.