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Archive for June, 2011

new lesson learned

I should not ignore what a guy tells me about himself in the first few weeks of dating.

Rather, I should expect the direct opposite.

The Ex spent his time talking up the importance of monogamy when we first met. The Trader, how happy he was, how optimistic, and much he wanted a drama-free and boring relationship. The Starving Artist, how much he wanted to be responsible and stable. And now Hike, who told me so convincingly about what a nice guy he was, and how he treated others with respect and consideration.

I’ve decided that this is the way to a person’s blind spot: they blind themselves, whether consciously or not, with all the talk about how much they are not this thing that they so badly do not want to be.

Which makes me wonder about what it is about myself that I cover up with too much talk. I don’t think I actually talk about myself at all when I first meet someone. I figure I’m better off just talking about what I care about, and acting like myself, and then the other person can come to their own likely accurate conclusions about who I am. But I’ll have to pay attention over the next little while to the things I do say, and what I say too often.

And: listen to the guys, listen to what they talk up. Gandhi spent a lot of time in his last emails telling me how suffering is optional, pain is optional, it’s important to choose happiness over fear–all fine, really, but it tells me he probably is suffering and in pain. Otherwise I don’t think I’ve heard too much concerning from the other guys I’m talking to.

Meanwhile, the new PM has been telling me how important it is to have good communication skills and let people take responsibility for their own work, not control too much, and not encourage them to be dependent on the PM. Hmmm.

(Speaking of which: it’s not just me she’s alienated. She has cut off contact with one of her clients, angered local government offices by being pushy with inappropriate questions, and completely frustrated our field workers. I shouldn’t be happy about this, but I am. How long do you think it will take the higher-ups to realize that she’s a disaster?)

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1. the idea was to draft the email and let it sit for 12 hours so I could tone it down, make it less angry. Instead I reread it, turned up the heat, and hit send. Man I was pissed. I did, however, communicate very clearly that I did not want to hear from him again, that I considered his behaviour harassment, and that if it continues from this point on I will contact the authorities.

So, of course, HE WROTE BACK. Promising to never contact me again on account of how I am an evil, corrupt, dishonest, scheming woman he doesn’t want in his life who by the way is single because she doesn’t want to communicate. Fucking hell. What a goddamned asshole. (Incidentally, that is the gist of yesterday’s password-protected post.)

I’m surprised by how much this unsettled me. I found myself avoiding my run Saturday in case he decided to track me down again to “say hello.”

Oh, did I mention that in one of his emails over the weekend, he told me that he had looked up my blogs and articles (the ones with my real name) and had been reading them while we were dating? And hadn’t mentioned that to me, until a week after we broke up. Is it just me, or is that creepy?

2. GameBoy date went ok, but just ok. He’s a nice guy and seems like a good Dad–good friend material but I could see things there that, if we were dating, would drive me nuts inside of six months. (“The Man is not out to get you! I’m sorry, but there are much more important people he’s focused on.”)

3. PP’s dance recital was brilliant. Oh, the dancing and twirling and grinning and bopping there was to be seen! She was fabulous and it was so adorable. When my parents send me their pictures I’ll post them on FB.

4. I’ve decided to let Gandhi drop. For obvious reasons. He’s decided not to let me drop. I keep getting new emails. At least he doesn’t know where I live and I’ve set up an anonymous email address to communicate with matches, so he doesn’t know my last name either.

5. There’s a couple other people I’ve been talking to, including FriendBoy, who I’ve got tentative plans with for Sunday. This is good. And a long list of other things to do to keep myself occupied the first week PP is at her Dad’s. And I plan to work overtime and get some more hikes and runs in. Do I sound like I’m dreading it? I am.

I think I’m going to have a few dates this weekend, actually, and a couple of them are going to be friend-dates, including with GameBoy who has decided NOT to b a creepy stalker after finding out that I don’t want a relationship with him. I am happy about this.

It’s strange how much that date and the email afterwards helped, actually, after the way Hike behaved–it’s hard not to wonder if I somehow didn’t communicate directly or clearly enough with him and encouraged him to harass and follow me about. But no. GameBoy got it pretty straight and without going off the rails, and I wasn’t more less clear with him. Hike really is just deranged.

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Protected: i can’t resist.

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this is what I mean

Edited to add: He went home and emailed me. Or: HE WENT HOME AND EMAILED ME.

11 pm Friday night, knock on the door. It’s Hike.

Seriously. !

Open it, glare.

Hike: Hi

Maeve: Hi

Hike: I just thought I’d drop in …

(at 11 pm on a Friday night? WTF?)

Maeve: This has got to stop, Hike.

Hike: What?

Maeve: The emailing and dropping in.

Hike: OK.

Maeve: Well, take care.

Hike: Can’t I just talk to you?

Maeve, staring incredulously: NO!

Shuts door and locks it.

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1. Hike is still emailing me. We’re past the stage of Random Love Song Lyrics and now well into Denial, in which he sends me random observations from his day, as if we were still dating. I have not replied to any since Monday (the one before the one where he admitted he’d been lying to me). If anything, his response this week convinces me that breaking up was the right thing–seriously, we dated for two months, this response is way way too much. Does he think he’s going to harass me back into a relationship?

No, that wasn’t my question. My question is: Should I be worried? Should I do something? Or do I just keep ignoring him and hope that he eventually stops?

2. I’m corresponding with a really nice guy on an Unspecified Dating Site. He’s tall, he’s in good shape, he’s very smart, he’s funny, we have a lot of common interests, he has a face like a totaled car. How shallow am I for caring about this and is there any point in talking to him when I can’t imagine being attracted to him?

3. Date tonight with someone I’ll call GameBoy, on account of his job developing computer games. We have a decent amount in common and he seems fun and cute and he’s a single dad and plays in a band, so Pea, if she’s reading this, would likely approve. I don’t know if I see him as long-term relationship potential but it should be a fun date. I’m not sure if there is a question on this one. No, wait: it sounds like he had a big rebel phase when he was younger (tattoos, smoking, etc.). I’m about as goody-two-shoes as it gets. What am I thinking? Yes, I think that’s my question.

4. Met a potential friend too, as we both decided we weren’t sure about dating each other but like each other, so … that’s good. Guess there’s no real question for that one.

5. Corresponding with another guy I’ll nickname Gandhi. Seems like a decent enough guy and he even actually likes poetry, all on his own, and not impress me. But he also stalks my profile (visits four or five times a day) and if I take a few hours to respond to an email, will send me another one to remind me. All feels a bit much. He also seems to be in a high-conflict post-divorce situation eerily similar to the Trader’s. He’s not in town this weekend so I won’t meet him for at least another week. Question: can I deal with the drama of the high-conflict post-divorce situation? How about the stalking of the profile?

There are a couple of others, but no one significant right now. My completely unabashed goal is to keep myself busy this summer while PP is at her Dad’s.

6. For the parents among you, when your kid has a cold and a persistent cough afterwards (for a few days, not a few weeks), do you bring them to the doctor or tough it out at home? And how about puffers and antibiotics for treating them?

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You know what that is, Dear Readers? That is the sound of Hike’s last email giving up on the lying, admitting I was right, and apologizing for it. Followed by me shouting at the computer, “Ha! I fucking knew it!”

I kept that to myself. With difficulty. I’m pondering whether or not I should write anything back at all–maybe just a note that I would like to think we can be friends at some point. I do like the guy and I did like hanging out with him but he’s not a good long-term partner, at least not for me. I am glad I listened to that inner voice telling me that something was not adding up, and when it started speaking, not a year down the line.

And now, consider: the many points of connection between the Ex and Hike:

-both had repeatedly and seriously dislocated their left shoulders, necessitating surgery
-both have sleep apnea
-both have similar hair (dark, and still there)
-same age, within a couple of months
-similar taste in music
-and now? Both prefer not to bring up stuff with their partners, instead hiding their insecurities and doubts behind patent falsehoods, and becoming defensive and angry when questioned about it.

I feel badly even writing that out. The truth is Hike is a hell of a nice guy. He’s kind, generous, complimentary and sincere. We have a ton in common and I loved hiking with him and talking about politics and books. He just has a shitload of baggage from previous relationships (who wouldn’t?), and is very insecure so hides it–or tries to–instead of talking about it. The Ex did that, too, It was a huge factor in his sex addiction, that when he was feeling insecure about himself and my interest in him, he couldn’t talk to me about it–it was easier for him to replace me. It doesn’t excuse what he did, of course. And they’re not on the same level. But it’s too similar and brings back too many bad memories for me to be able to deal with it.

I do wish it could have been different.

And now, for something light-hearted, mostly. A PP update!

Her next dance recital is on Saturday. I can’t wait. My precious bunny all dolled up in some ridiculous too-tulled costume bopping around on stage. Photos on FB to follow.

She is a princess wizard. Sometimes her batteries run low, and then she recharges herself by sitting on the yellow thing in the school play-yard. She is a junior wizard right now, but she is working her way up to senior, and when she gets there she will cast a magic spell to make sure that no one ever fights again, especially mommies and daddies so that no child ever needs to have their parents get divorced, because that’s so hard on the kids.

Why, yes, that was a knife twisting in my gut. Thanks for noticing.

She had a nosebleed to end all nosebleeds last night, just before bed. Fifteen minutes of fauceting, I can’t tell you how many tissues, and lots of long, ropy, bloody snotty clots. It was disgusting. It was like she was giving birth to aliens from her nose.

During the nosebleed to end all nosebleeds, she told me that she sometimes thinks about dying, and the refused to elucidate. This has me somewhat concerned.

Yesterday at the park she was Rosebud, from Santa Buddies. A little girl there insisted on calling her Rosemary and it had PP quite offended.

We are going on our big vacation in a few weeks and I can’t wait. Also, I’m not ready. We’ve got plane tickets and shuttle tickets and hotel reservations so the important stuff is taken care of, but still. The summer access schedule is coming soon and I will miss her like stink. I’m dreading it already.

Hmm. This is not as light-hearted as I’d planned. Let me find something without a shadow here.

There is a house on the way home from school with a robin’s nest in a straw planter. The homeowners let PP climb up on a chair on the porch to spy on the baby robins whenever she likes, and last week she got to pet one. It was so soft! she said. It made her week. Also, she has decided that she would like to start walking to school by herself. Sort of. Last week she first broached it and I said I would walk a ways behind her, as a practice run, but then on the way out the door she said, “Mummy? I changed my mind. I want you to walk with me!” And burst into tears.

So I did.

But since then she’s become more and more comfortable with more and more distance, more and more confident in crossing the street alone and remembering which way to go. I think next year she’ll just be a walking-by-herself pro.

I love that girl of mine. She is so lovely, and I am so lucky to be her mom.

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We are into the phase of receiving sappy love song lyrics via email.

It’s funny because just last week he was telling me that if I decided I didn’t want to see him any more, I should just tell him and he’d accept it because he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable.

Then again, he would tell me he doesn’t want to be a pest and intrude while showing up uninvited at my home or my work. And he would say how important communication was to him and that people should just bring stuff up, meanwhile, actively hiding things.

You know what? This is pretty uncomfortable. I keep hoping each email will be the last, and then it’s not. I hate this. Do I have to be mean to the guy? I like him, I think he’s a good person, I do not want to have to stomp on him to get him to leave me alone.

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