Archive for November, 2010

So he admitted to not asking me for the day, and just “assumed” I agreed because he “mentioned” it as a possibility back in August and I didn’t object. Apparently in the mind of the Ex, the separation agreement is a “framework” and not binding. Or at least, not on him.

I told him that while I appreciated the misunderstanding, (!!!) if he had asked me I would have agreed only if we had a plan to make up the time. So I asked him to make up the time, either by ceding a day or bringing her back early twice. Bringing her back early twice is a lot less than 24 hours, but hell, if we both goofed a compromise is reasonable. Right?


Nope. In the mind of the Ex, the only reasonable thing is for me to forget all about it, not ask for anything, not be upset, and for us to carry on. He’s said his proposal is for us to do nothing, and has since refused to discuss the matter.

Not surprising. That’s what he did when he moved to Bob, and it’s what he did this summer when I moved to Beyond Bob, and it’s what he does every time I bring up something that reflects badly on him and ask him to do something about it. It’s still irritating though.

I hate him. Does it show? Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t. I know it’s corrosive and hurts me more than it hurts him, and I’ll get there, but right now in the thick of it, I just hate him.

So here are his two options:

1. Make nice, admit he did something wrong, agree to a compromise and lose something under 12 hours for a “blunder” on his part that gave him a day. Build a better and more trusting co-parenting relationship with the mother of his child, which will benefit PP as well.

2. Refuse to admit he did anything wrong, refuse to compromise or negotiate. In which case, given that I regularly give him about a week more each year than he’s entitled to in the SA, all I have to do is refuse to go above and beyond my commitments and he loses a week in 2011. I’ll hate him more, we’ll have a worse relationship, PP will lose out.


He can admit he’s wrong and gain 12 hours over the year.

Or he can refuse to admit he’s wrong and lose A WEEK.

He can admit he’s wrong and have me learn to trust him, just a smidge.

Or he can refuse to admit he’s wrong and have me hate him more and trust him less.

I haven’t put it this baldly, but I have communicated to him that he’ll lose the day eventually one way or the other and that this will only decrease communication and increase hostility.

Of course, he has chosen to refuse to admit that he did anything wrong.

Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your fucking face.

If that’s not a definition of a flaming narcissist, I don’t know what is.

Now I need to find a way to drain all the toxic emotional crap this has left me with. Gah. Only 11 years to go.


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But I do.

This weekend he took her to Faraway City for his mom’s 80th birthday. Normally in November I get to pick the “long” weekend–the weekend she stays over until Sunday instead of Saturday–but since this was a special occasion I agreed he could have this one.

Early last week he sent me an email “reminder” which contained brand-new information, to wit, that he decided all on his own to keep her until Monday. He didn’t ask. He didn’t consult. He just told me. And he didn’t even tell me when I should expect to get her back.

Since it was a “reminder” and I thought I *knew* what was going on, I didn’t read it carefully and I missed that part. I went back and reread it last night, at 6:30, when PP was 30 minutes late back.

I should have. And from now on I definitely will. But I didn’t. So I found out last night, when I was already worried sick, that I wasn’t going to see my daughter because the Exhole illegally decided to keep her for an extra day without asking me.

I had a very bad night.

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Protected: What I would say, if I could

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PP’s Reaction

PP: Daddy and S are marrying. [This, over our breakfast cereal.]

Maeve: I know.

PP: You do?

M nods.

PP: Oh.

M: What do you think about that?

PP: It’s good. I will have a stepmom and a stepbrother!

M: That’s true! How exciting for you!

PP: Yeah!

[PP shoots M a wide-eyed nervous look. Let me tell you, a little blond girl with enormous blue eyes gives killer wide-eyed nervous looks.]

M: You were nervous about telling me, eh?

PP nods.

M: Why’s that, kiddo?

PP: Because I thought then maybe I would have a new mommy.

M: Oh, sweetie. Nothing will ever make me stop being your mommy. Need a hug?

PP nods, and climbs onto M’s lap.

M: Nothing and nobody. It doesn’t matter what you do and it doesn’t matter who your Daddy marries. I am always your mom. Period.

PP nods

M: Lots of kids are nervous about that, though, when their parents marry someone new. So it’s ok. And you can always talk to me about it. OK? I’m glad you did.

PP nods

MM: I bet they get you a nice new dress for it.

PP: yeah!

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