It’s definitely a date.
Am I crazy?
I went straight from the Ex to the Engineer–ok, there was a period of a month and a half after I told the Ex I was leaving before I met the Engineer again, but considering I was married to the Ex for 8 years, that’s pretty well immediate. The end of the Engineer overlapped with the beginning of the SA–I broke up with the Engineer after the first date with the Starving Artist. Broke up with the Starving Artist, was single and not-dating for a whole month, met the RG. Broke up with the RG and met both the Trader and Eco-Dad within a few weeks. Broke up w/ ED and have a date with the Trader ten days later.
I’ve been a single mom for two and a half years, and in that time I’ve only been single for, what–four and a half months? Four boyfriends, possibly heading into a fifth, in two and a half years. Is that healthy?
I must be doing something wrong or I would be spending more time single. Wouldn’t I? I mean, that–along with having met someone with long-term potential by now–was my expectation. That I would meet someone, a relationship would develop, and if it ended I would spend some time looking for a new one. Not that they would fall more-or-less immediately into my hands (and then prove to be so frustrating). And maybe if they weren’t falling so easily I would have spent less time with any one in particular and have met someone with long-term potential.
Or maybe I would be just as frustrated and have spent more time on my own. I have no idea.
I like the Trader. I liked him before, too. It’s not that I’m going after someone I’m not interested in. He’s a good person, smart, solid, funny, successful–but most importantly just decent–and clearly much more into me than I had realized before, which never hurts. And maybe because he’s a truly good person, and because I like him so much as a friend in addition to whatever else might develop, and because he’s been put through the wringer by a truly terrible divorce (no matter how well he might be dealing with it), I want to be very careful and sure of my motives and that I am doing the right thing.
There is a part of me that wonders if I am just totally incompetent at being alone. A funny admission for an introvert to make, I know, but what if I’m flipping from guy to guy because I just can’t handle all of that solitude? So much of it is great. I love having the bed to myself. I can’t even put into words how wonderful it is to have my own bedroom in my own place. It’s blue! And I never need to be careful of turning the light on or off or taking over the closet or leaving books on the floor. But then some of it is not. I don’t have family, except for PP, and PP is someone I need to be there for, not someone who I should have any expectation of being there for me. I have friends, and I treasure those friendships, but it’s not the same. So I try to fill up my life and my time with being a great mom to PP and volunteering and writing and all kinds of goals and a social life but there is this hole in the middle: I don’t have a family.
And I think part of the flipping from boy to boy without much pause in between is just a longing to fill that hole. To avoid having to face it. To have family. If not parents and siblings, then partners and children.
So maybe I should be spending more time between relationships on my own, learning how to be alone in a more fundamental sense. Learning how not to run away from this. How to fill that hole for myself, if that’s even reasonable.
No one deserves for me to use them so that I don’t have to feel the loss of my family (such as they are).
And then I tell myself that people aren’t really designed to be alone in this sense and it’s no wonder I’m not coping well with it.
But still. There are limits to what I should expect other people to provide for me.
Anyway. It’s a date and I’m a bit nervous, if you couldn’t tell.
((((((hugs))))) This is something I think about a LOT – while I went from Married to Dating in a nano-second (the ex-husband served me papers on the 22nd of the month, and kicked me out on the 23rd, my first date with the boy was the 2nd of the following month) – so. Yeah.
And I have been in that sort of pattern my entire life – left first boyfriend for the second, was single but actively dating for about 6 months between the 2nd and 3rd (while I still wasn’t even old enough to drink) – actively dated for the 15 months between the 3rd and then meeting the now-ex-husband – so, I’ve spent a total of less than 2 total years single since I was 16.
Part of me wonders if there is something in that, a need to fill a hole, and how to fill it for myself.
Not that this ruminating of mine helps you any, but I do understand and hear where you are coming from…and offer my support in whatever way you need it. (((((more hugs)))
Thanks. 🙂 I had a feeling you would know what I was talking about.
It dawned on me a while ago that although our voids are similar our ways to fill them vary. Where as you like to date, I fill the void by surrounding myself with other people’s children. (I find spending time with children safer than dating men.)
I think it all comes down to just wanting to belong to someone or anyone for that matter. We want to feel loved and wanted.
I could go on but I won’t.
I just wanted to let you know that I understand.
PS~It’s not a bad thing to date. Keep pursuing your goal of finding a mate. 😉 Although enjoy a little me time in there too while you’re in that pursuit.
I hope you have a fabulous time and are treated like royalty!
Here’s the thing: I see you as being present in these relationships in a healthy way. You continually recheck to make sure you are getting what you need and are giving what they need in equal measure.