I’ve decided to treat the RG like a profile subject.
Backing up:
The RG loves to talk about books, movies, music, politics, culture, etc. All good stuff, and we have lots in common, and it is fun to hash that out for a couple of hours, but aside from a few facts about his life growing up I know practically nothing about him. Well, I know about his work and hobbies and some of his friends, and that’s fine too, but the sort of thing that might trickle out over the course of a few dates (like previous relationships, what he’s looking for, etc.) is a big ol’ black box. And, for some reason, asking him has been terrifying.
WTF? Not the first person I’ve ever dated. I have had these conversations many times before. It does not usually scare me.
But–and I know this will elicit a few knowing snickers–he’s, first of all, very hard to read, which I think gives me a taste of what it’s like to try to get to know me and be my friend. You all stuck through this? Really? Wow. Thank you. Which is to say: I’m used to dealing with guys who make it very obvious very early on exactly how interested they are and what exactly they are interested in. I’ve never, ever, had to wonder What is this? or Where is this going? Even when the answer sucked, it was pretty plain pretty fast.
Not that going slowly is a bad thing. It’s just new.
And I like him enough to trigger all of those old “whenever I ask for something I get rejected” tripwires.
If it’s true that the fastest way to make my Dad angry growing up was to cry, then the fastest way to make my Mom angry was to ask her for something. Anything. Diabetic groceries, money for field trips, winter boots without holes in the bottom, money for university, bananas, didn’t matter. It’s still like that. When my life is going well and I don’t need her for anything she often is very generous and will give me things that I would like without my having to ask for them, but when life is not going so well (like, say, when I am a divorced single mom) she disappears and any suggestion that I might need something from anyone at all, not even her, will get the same icy derision that my requests for winter jackets that weren’t falling apart got when I still lived at home.
I’ve dealt with this enough to ignore it when the outcome doesn’t really matter to me, but not, apparently, when it does. When I care, when there’s something I actually truly want, the thought of saying so is terrifying. Me? Want? Something? No. No no no. I will do it myself. Even if it’s something that I cannot, by definition, do myself. Say, for example, be in a relationship. The ambivalence that so dogged me during the early stages of dating the SA made talking to him about all this stuff a lot easier.
The RG is not my mother. (A sentence I could not have envisioned myself ever having cause to write.) Acting like he is is much more likely to kill whatever this might be than asking any number of awkward questions.
I have no trouble asking awkward questions when it is a job. When I am interviewing someone for an article, I can be at ease and very nosy.
So I am going to pretend that the RG is an interview subject and I have been assigned to write a thousand-word article about him. I’ll see if that knocks me into a different enough headspace to loosen my tongue.
Should make for an interesting next date.
That is a clever solution. Good luck with the new commission.
Ooohhhh…. may I volunteer to proof your thousand-word article?
Yes. Many knowing snickers. Esp this: “The RG is not my mother. (A sentence I could not have envisioned myself ever having cause to write.)”
Hee hee.
Good luck!
Meesha, aren’t you already proofing the thousand-word article? By reading the blog, I mean. π
I’d love to read the in-print version of your interview with him!
“Hi! How was your week? Do you mind if I ask you a few questions about your last girlfriend? Hold on a second, I need to get out my voice recorder….”
It’s essentially the grown up version of “do you like me, pick one: Yes No”
π
I would say that perhaps you’re not so terrible at getting to know, it’s just that you’re more thoughts and paper and words based than face to face mindless chatter. I find our friendship to be quite a solid one, with no discomfort (even when we’ve had MAJOR disagreements) because we have been able to communicate so much of it via the written word.
Maybe you can ask RG if he has a blog. π